It was a hot muggy California afternoon; the sky had an orange warm look to it. It was Sunday and my parents had dragged me to another barbeque for “old people” at the Yoder’s house. I was 7 years old and couldn’t have been more restless. I remember complaining in the car during most of the car ride until my dad threatened to pop me if I didn’t shut up. When we got to the party my parents told me and my brother to go play and to stay out of trouble. My brother and I went in the backyard where most of the other children were playing. The only problem with playing outside was that the backyard was kind of small and that half of the yard was off limits due to the Yoder’s dog. Their dog was chained up in the corner of the yard. This dog was by all means out of its mind. I remember thinking the dog was crazy he continued barking and growling while it looked like he was having convulsions. All the kids in the backyard could barely hear each other because the dog was barking so loud and so much. The dog’s owners assured us that the dog was harmless, but I just stared them like they were crazy, “yeah right” I thought to myself. My brother got the ingenious idea that it would be funny to get up in the dogs face and yell at him to shut up. I really didn’t see a problem with this but this dog was going insane stretching his chain lease as far as it could in attempt to get to my brother. After my brother had teased for a good 15 minutes I went inside to get something to eat, when I came back out I remember just sitting on the backyard porch watching my brother play with the other kids, and thinking in my mind that getting dragged to the barbeque wasn’t so bad. I was having more fun than I thought I would have. Exactly at that moment I remember hearing a loud Snap. A brown blur and I mean blur ran straight into my brother and both of them began to roll on the ground. It happened so fast the dog had broken its chain and was attacking my brother right in front of me. The kids who owned the dog ran over and tried to wrestle the dog from my brother, but this dog had blood in his eyes. My mind went absolutely blank. I ran inside and yelled as loud as I can Alex is getting mauled by the dog! I ran back outside and grabbed a big plank of wood from a firewood stack and began to try my best to smack the dog and mot my brother, but they were moving so fast. I swung with all my might in my best attempt to separate the dog from Alex. I heard a loud crack! And then a yelp. The kids who owned the dog managed to wrestle the dog off of my brother while he was stunned. My brother who before this event was grinning from ear to ear was now crying and had blood trickling down his left cheek. My parents quickly gathered me and my brother and loaded us into the car. I remember telling my parents about what happened during the car ride home. My parents were pretty pissed at what happen even though it was partially my brother’s fault. For the next couple of days I was trippin. Every time I heard chains jingle or car keys I would freak out and always look over my back, because the sound reminded me off a dog running towards me. After a couple days I was chill again.
1. I enjoyed reading this story. It was very exciting and thrilling. However, it was sad, it kept my eyes glued to it. I leatned the author is a good storyteller and presents stories well.
2. It was pretty creative. Some very good vocabualry words were used with some of the authors flavor mixed in there.
3. "I remember thinking the dog was crazy he continued barking and growling while it looked like he was having convulsions." This put a picture in my head and it was very descriptive. It described the dog very well.
4. Dont use "freaking" in college essay. The people thta read these stories may not get a good idea of the author.
1- That was INTENSE! Good job describing what the whole thing looked like. I could picture it in my head.
2- The title is good but it doesn't really go with the whole dog attack thing. You should definitely give it a name that has something to do with the dog attack.
3-My favorite part of the story was when you fought the dog. "I ran back outside and grabbed a big plank of wood from a firewood stack and began to try my best to smack the dog and mot my brother". that was INTENSE. It stood out because you dont usually hear people talking about stuff like that.
4- One thing, check some of your spelling. You might want to take out the word "Pissed" too. I see how it makes sense, but for a college essay, it might be a little odd.
5- You did a good job with your word choice for the most part but consider using other words rather than "Pissed" or "I was chill again". Some of the people reading it might not understand. Love the story!
I. His story was funny, descriptive and well written. It kept me on my feet the whole time wondering what was next.I liked the fact that he used some slang in his paper II. The title wasnt creative but it told us where most of the action was going to take place.The beginning of the story used very descritive language to tell us what the day was like. III. "My parents were pretty pissed at what happen even though it was partially my brother’s fault. For the next couple of days I was trippin." When i read this part of his essay it made me laugh histarically. IV.
4 comments:
1. I enjoyed reading this story. It was very exciting and thrilling. However, it was sad, it kept my eyes glued to it. I leatned the author is a good storyteller and presents stories well.
2. It was pretty creative. Some very good vocabualry words were used with some of the authors flavor mixed in there.
3. "I remember thinking the dog was crazy he continued barking and growling while it looked like he was having convulsions." This put a picture in my head and it was very descriptive. It described the dog very well.
4. Dont use "freaking" in college essay. The people thta read these stories may not get a good idea of the author.
1- That was INTENSE! Good job describing what the whole thing looked like. I could picture it in my head.
2- The title is good but it doesn't really go with the whole dog attack thing. You should definitely give it a name that has something to do with the dog attack.
3-My favorite part of the story was when you fought the dog. "I ran back outside and grabbed a big plank of wood from a firewood stack and began to try my best to smack the dog and mot my brother". that was INTENSE. It stood out because you dont usually hear people talking about stuff like that.
4- One thing, check some of your spelling. You might want to take out the word "Pissed" too. I see how it makes sense, but for a college essay, it might be a little odd.
5- You did a good job with your word choice for the most part but consider using other words rather than "Pissed" or "I was chill again". Some of the people reading it might not understand. Love the story!
1. this really is an awesome storey he whole time i was just like shiiiiiit.
everything about this had my full attention and everytime i read another line i was shocked.
3.i cant even picka part its all real good
I. His story was funny, descriptive and well written. It kept me on my feet the whole time wondering what was next.I liked the fact that he used some slang in his paper
II. The title wasnt creative but it told us where most of the action was going to take place.The beginning of the story used very descritive language to tell us what the day was like.
III. "My parents were pretty pissed at what happen even though it was partially my brother’s fault. For the next couple of days I was trippin." When i read this part of his essay it made me laugh histarically.
IV.
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